Today is Casey's 20th birthday. This photo is the last photo I have with Casey. I am so glad my Mom took it. I miss him a lot. It's hard to explain. I've been out of my parents home for 10 years now. Casey and I would see each other at least once a year. We would talk on the phone at least once a month. And every few weeks we would exchange "I love you" texts. I missed him because we didn't see each other all the time. But it is so different now. The missing is so different, and so much harder and so much sadder.
My parents are having a big open house party tonight. They've invited all of his friends to come celebrate. There will be candles lit in memorial of him. There will be memories shared, Just Dance will be played, a carrot cake will be eaten. Even with all that joy, everyone still misses him so bad, there will be lots of tears shed I am sure. I'm here, in Utah, not sure what to do to celebrate his birthday. I'm conflicted. Part of me wants to be in Alaska celebrating his birthday with everyone, but most of me wants to be far away because it's so much harder for me when there are people around who knew him, who knew a part of him that I didn't. It makes it more real. And today I really don't want it to be real.
But it is and as much as that sucks, it will be ok. He will visit me, and give me a hug that I hope I can feel. The Spirit of the Lord will comfort me, and everyone that feels his absence. My testimony of eternal life and eternal families will be strengthened. My faith and hope will increase and I will be OK. Just like we all will be. I will snuggle my kids and my husband and I will talk to my family and I will say a prayer of thanks for the amazing blessings I have. I don't want it to be real, but it is. Trials are almost never fun. But there are things to be learned through trial that you cannot learn any other way. Those are things to be thankful for.
I love you baby brother.
2 comments:
AS I read this and cry along with you I am not quite sure what to say.....other than Happy Birthday Casey! And I love you Sammy! You and your family are in my thoughts.
Be sad when your sad,
Be happy when your happy,
Laugh when it comes, and cry too.
It gets easier over time. I know the feeling of not feeling like you really knew your brother when their friends start talking about the last years you weren't living together. When your ready, you'll appreciate the stories.
My mom received several letters from people sharing their favorite memory of my brother. She made copies for each of us stapled together. When we were ready, we could read them. It was nice to know his influence as a man, even though my memories of him are as a boy :)
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